Customer Service - the Giant Abyss

I hate big business.

Check that - I 'really' hate big business.

The reason I hate big business is that the bigger the business gets the bigger the potential for 'customer service' problems exists.

Over the last decade or two customer service has really turned into the abyss in Canada - and technology has a great deal to do with it, sadly.

When I was growing up if you bought something and it didn't work you'd just take it back to the place you bought it and 'nine times out of ten' you'd receive an apology and an instant refund OR they'd give you a replacement product for the one that didn't work.

Try that now.

First off, Big Business has so many built in WALLS OF AVOIDANCE now that it is almost impossible to a) reach somebody instantly or b) speak to a human being.

Most 'customer service' departments are now off shore and you end up speaking to somebody in a land far far away who I can safely say "doesn't give a poop about your problem" and most struggle with the English language which truly adds to the frustration.

The next best WALL I love is the 'instant email' response that you get with the big disclaimer on the bottom that says "THIS EMAIL IS NOT MONITORED - PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO IT" - so I look for a phone number, name, or any other place where I actually might get to find some assistance - and "nope."

Or the other great one is the WALL OF WAIT where the auto answering system can actually tell you how long you will have to wait to talk to a customer service agent. "YOUR WAIT WILL BE APPROXIMATELY SIX HOURS" - Huh! (I don't make this stuff up folks!)

But a few of my most recent favorites include these classics.

This fall I cancelled my cell service. Now I'm not going to name any companies because it doesn't really matter because there's a built in "I don't give a poop" attitude among them all because they're owned by giant corporations that have some much money coming in from 'other' virtual monopolies that a few hundred cancellations a day means nothing.

In fact there's a great 'break even' system going because you have to move your account to another one of the giant corporations so one customer out - one customer in.

Google "most hated companies in Canada - guess who's in the Top Five?"

In any case I'd been with this company since the day cell phones were launched in Canada - 1986 in this instance. I can't imagine the amount of money I've spent with these guys. Last year they screwed up my account so bad that it took me 8 weeks and 6 different agents to get it fixed. The last lady was the biggest bitch I've EVER dealt with in my life - and she ended up literally screaming at me. I informed her that this was THEIR MISTAKE (again) and that "I" was the customer.

My final question to her was "What department are you in?"

Her response: "Customer service."

My response: "You're in the WRONG department."

The ultimate slap was an "email" saying they "cared about my business" so "please provide us a reason why you cancelled."

You bet. No human being got back to me.

The reason I finally cancelled this time was they sold me a ONE MONTH roaming package to use in Europe for my 3 week trip. When I got the contract, in the fine print, was a clause that stated this is a mandatory 3 MONTH charge.

When I called back to discuss it they confirmed the charge and I asked them to "logically" tell me how somebody would design a package that was 9 weeks longer than I was even IN the continent - no response!

So I moved to another provider - and it took SEVEN visits to their kiosk at Best Buy to finally get my account right.

Or at least I think it's right - but I haven't gotten a bill since September so this could or will be yet another cellular adventure.

****JUST IN: Rogers/Bell are now major shareholders in the company that controls the Toronto Maple Leafs. Bitter rivals in phones; cable; television - now 'partners in crime." Go Figure!***


Next my latest fun with "customer service."

My Christmas present to my wife and kids this year was a cruise to Hawaii on a well known cruise line. In fact they'd probably be rated in the TOP THREE in the world.

Again I won't name them but a hint might be "they are named after the country Norway."

My daughter has had some major health struggles over the year but we saw a nice window to get away and 'relax' with her. Then the bad news. Double hernia. No Travel. So I phone them to see if I can 'postpone' the trip. Not cancel. "Postpone due to a health problem."

Their answer was "we don't do that - you'll have to cancel it and pay a 50% cancellation fee."

I repeated - "No I'd like to take the trip so you won't lose the booking."

Response: "To bad - you should have bought cancellation insurance."

My response: "I'm sure you understand that I'd NEVER EVER travel with you again?"

Their response: Zip!

Now I DO have the American Express Platinum card so I do have some protection - but start filling out all the forms; get your Doctor to stop his/her important work to fill out paperwork that he/she has to do for you; send that email that gets the DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL message; then MAIL your documents because they don't provide an email to you and I'm sure I can expect my cash to be returned by about the time the Times Square New Years Eve ball is being polished up for 2013.

And Finally:

Four unions. Four strike threats. Try using your AEROPLAN flights for a 'simple' trip. If you want to see the country - or several for that matter - try to use your points for a Business Section trip.

A direct trip to Frankfurt that I booked last year "could" have had me actually travelling geographically 'backwards' - then stop in 3 American cities after I left Canada before heading overseas - and booking on line is almost impossible to do simply so back to the phone.

Oh Oh!

I'm not unique. We all have these problems but the real problem is that "there's nothing we can do about it."

Cancel one cell provider - move to the others. (Check that most hated list again)

Say you'll never fly on one airline again and realize they are almost the 'only game in town' and you're back on that airline for your next flight.

Try to talk to a human being.

Try to contact a "true" Supervisor who cares.

Try to let THE BOSS/OWNER of the business know your problems and see if you can get a response.

Try to find the NAME of anybody on a website that you can direct your problems to now!

Fire a note out on Twitter or Facebook and those poor buggers in the social media "customer service" department face the wrath of the web world because they are almost powerless to do anything other than "apologize" for their companies problems.

Somewhere in between UNDERCOVER BOSS and HORRIBLE BOSSES lies the solution.....and maybe instead of Occupy (your city goes here) the protestors actually sat on the front lawns of these billionaire companies top guys the customer may finally get some attention, and quickly.

For ME, as a former boss, I'd be embarrassed to be on that "most hated list" - and if I was a shareholder of one of those companies I certainly would remind the guy at the top of the heap that his/her responsibility is to FIX these problems.

I answered each and every email I got 'daily.'

I spoke to each and every person who complained about my radio stations 'the same day.'

If it was our error - I made it right.

If more of us were really proactive instead of complaining these days we'd start a simple giant rally of CANCELING and DOING WITHOUT these guys services.

Hit them in the pocket book good. Have a huge DON'T USE THIS SERVICE DAY and boycott the business.

I'm not a radical but a business that sits empty for a day - or longer - might get that needed mass media attention that says "I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

Might be tough. Might be worth it.

Occupy "that."

Otherwise realize that it just isn't going to get any better quickly - so I'll meet you at the bottom of the Customer Service Abyss - again!